48

Here at nigh unto the end of my college career, I feel a lot more directionless than I did when I started. Does this come as a shock to anyone in particular? I'm certainly not the first to go through this, and I certainly won't be the last, that's for sure.

Most of all, I feel like I've lost sight of this blasted thing. Where in God's name is it going, anyway? I began it, or so I tell myself, to make something interesting out of the daily drudge, to find some scrap of profundity in the ordinaryness of life. Have I done what I intended to do? Am I doing it now? Or is it just blah-blah-blah, I went here, I did this, I did that, here's the graphics I said I'd never include. I lied. Am I any closer to knowing myself than when I started? Have I grown at all as a person, or is that just silly and too much to ask of having some website where you spew what's in your brain all day?

Where's the Cliff Notes? I don't want to read the book anymore.

I'm also feeling like the future is really yawning in front of me, looming. Ah, the paralyzing fear of the almost-graduated. And non-traditional, no less. Smell the anxiety! Five years of humanist education, and at the twilight of it all I decide it's wise to be a bithead and learn a bunch of technical shit that never interested me that much in the first place. Why? Because it's the future, supposedly. My future. Moneymoneymoney. Because I don't have what it takes to make it into the teaching arena with my GPA, my lack of discipline, and my current unwillingness to be a professor's slave for two years.

Ah, fear, doesn't it rule us all in one fashion or another? It does me, there's no doubt about that.

I think it's just the early summer blahs. Once I'm working, things will look up, because I'll be making the long green, and let's face it, all condemnations of consumer culture aside, money's where it's at, isn't it? Unless you want to live like some kind of mountain man. And Ted Turner owns the mountains, so you can't do that, either.

But seriously folks.

I think I'm going to take a new turn with this site. New and different. A little more impact. More of the personal shit. No more witless ranting on about nothing; you came here for some steak to go with your sizzle, and I think you ought to get it. Yes, that's what I think.

I will start, in typical procrastinatory fashion, tomorrow.

One more wasted day.

Till then.